I will not yell. That is my new mantra. No matter how angry my children make me by: fighting, hitting, talking back, not listening, drawing on walls, throwing things over the banister, spilling drinks, teasing, saying words like stupid and I hate you, I will not yell. It is lazy, ineffective, and usually just exacerbates the situation. It teaches my kids to yell. I will not yell. It will be hell, but I will not yell (I bet you didn’t know I was a poet too).
I have already been tested twenty times today and have had to take many deep breaths. Second son likes to push buttons, but it is the button pusher who has inspired me to change. Though I don’t know if change is the right word. I’ve never thought of myself as a yeller. I think I have transformed into a yeller out of frustration, laziness, exhaustion, and desperation.
Sometimes, I feel like I am only a shadow of the mother that I used to be when I only had first son, and I liked that mom. She was patient. I’m not sure I always like the mom I have transformed into. She loves, she cares, she tries, but she yells a lot.
So, when second son said to me, “I don’t like when you yell at me,” and first son, who is a lot more easy going but got yelled at last night for refusing to eat dinner, said “You hurt my feelings,” as he held back tears, I thought, it’s time for a change, or rather a transformation, back to old mom.
So, I repeat, I will not yell. I don’t think it’s going to be easy. I do think I will slip up. But I will try my best for my three children, who mean more to me than anything in the world. That’s it for now. The holiday weekend is approaching and if I want to get to the shore sometime on Saturday, I need to start cleaning today.