Let’s Talk Vacuums

Interestingly enough, if you google the phrase “Dyson sucks” looking for validation about your feelings of disappointment towards your new Dyson, what you will find is a bunch of Dyson lovers, who fancy word play, as in, “Dyson sucks?  You bet it does!  It sucks up every ounce of dust in my house.”  See what I mean?  Unfortunately, I could not join in on the chorus of Dyson lovers.

Just in case your wondering, yesterday, despite my optimism, which apparently counts for nothing, things did not get any better for me.  Not only did my skinny jeans split (a signal to step away from the girl scout cookies) but the toilet overflowed, Second Son had a meltdown of epic proportions, Little Lady threw a bowl of cereal off the table and then peed on the floor (and didn’t tell me), it rained cats and dogs on a CCD day, which meant a lot of running around in the rain, and I impulse bought a Dyson.  Her face says it all.

Here’s how it happened. I was walking through Target, getting that Starbucks and cream (thank God for Target) when I happened to pass the vacuums.  I don’t necessarily need a vacuum, we have a Kenmore Canister, Oreck, Hoover Linx and a central vac, but except for the dinky Linx, the other vacuums are getting old.

My husband hates every one of these vacuums, except the Oreck (I think it must be the name), but despite what he thinks, he doesn’t do enough vacuuming to have a large enough say.  I simply hate them all, but of course realize that that might have to do more with the fact that I actually have to use them, not just look at them.

The Kenmore, while good, is like vacuuming while pulling a pig around.  One of the major pluses of the vacuum, being able to pop the carpet tool on and off easily, is no longer a plus for me since the plastic piece that makes this possible broke off years ago. Worse, the various attachments that make vacuuming all sorts of surfaces a cinch, are missing (and who the hell knows where they are).

The Oreck is not so bad, BUT and it’s a BIG BUT, it has no attachments, no cleaning wand, nothing.  So, beyond the carpet, it’s really useless.

The Hoover Linx is a light weight.  We bought it because we were too lazy to haul the big vacuums out every time the kitchen floor needed vacuuming, which in my house, means all day long.  It serves its intended purpose, but that’s about it.

The central vacuum came with the house.  I like it.  It really does the job on our hardwood floors, but there are two major problems.  One, hauling out that long hose every time I want to vacuum and consequently, having to put it back, is a major pain in the butt.  And two, even though we have a carpet attachment, it’s old, dirty, and held together by duct tape. It’s been relegated to the garage.

All this means, is that when I passed the fancy looking, much revered Dyson on clearance at Target, I had to buy it, even if it meant traveling to another Target because my Target wouldn’t sell me the floor model, the last one in their inventory.

I was excited.  Who knew a vacuum could make me feel that way?  Certainly, not I. Then, I actually tried to vacuum and my excitement turned to utter disappointment and major buyer’s remorse.

Here’s why:

Dyson is not kidding when they talk about their suction.  It was awesome, even sucking up a pen I got too close to (though I’m not sure that’s a positive), but that ball, roll on a dime thing, left much to be desired.  It kind of reminded me of the shopping carts at Ikea, which piss me off to no end. Furthermore, the ball is so bulky that it made it difficult to maneuver under any low spaces.  The cord was short and not retractable, like my reliable old Kenmore, and the telescopic wand brought me more frustration, yesterday, than all my kids combined.  And, did I mention that the directions suck? I know because I had to consult them way too many times for having only owned the vacuum for less than a day (see pen and difficulty using wand).  Finally, it was freaking heavy and I’m kind of strong.  I can’t imagine an elderly person pushing a Dyson.

Now, I realize that there are many models of Dyson out there (I bought the DC25), some are lighter, have canisters, are stick vacuums, go by the name of the Animal (whatever that is), but I don’t want to pay more than four hundred dollars for a vacuum (I would rather just have three, yes, I see the irony).

So, this morning, I took it apart, cleaned it, packed it up, and hauled it back to Target, a store with a liberal and awesome return policy.  Did I say thank God for Target, already?

I really wanted to love the Dyson, I did, but, sadly, I did not.  So, until I find something better, and under four hundred dollars, I guess I’m stuck with the pig, the lightweight, the cumbersome, and useless one.

Off to finish the vacuuming.



One thought on “Let’s Talk Vacuums

  1. I have had a Dyson Animal for about 6 years and don’t really like it either. Too heavy and awkward to use the attachments. I also have a Hoover Linx, with three batteries, that I use the hell out of every day. It’s actually my second one. They replaced the first one free of charge when it quit and they replaced the whole bottom of the current one after the roller quit, again free of charge. I have to say the service has been great with Hoover. I love that you can just change out the battery and keep going unlike other cordless vacs that you have to plug the whole unit in to recharge. It’s great for the downstairs which is all hard surfaces. I keep the Dyson upstairs for the carpeted areas, it’s okay as long as you don’t need to use the attachments 🙂

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