The Bathing Suit

I suppose if I was a size 2, bathing suit shopping would be, dare I say, fun.  If I had a body like Fergie, then I would say it would be the highlight of my year, and I, too, would be tweeting pictures of myself for all of the world to admire.  Trust me, this was the last thing I needed to see, after bathing suit shopping, yesterday.  Especially since, without major surgery, I couldn’t even exercise my way to looking like this.


But alas, I am not a size 2 or 4 or 6 for that matter (at least not in a bathing suit), thus bathing suit shopping is more of a marathon chore than fun shopping outing. That’s why for the past two years (possible three), I’ve worn the same old tired Lands’ End bathing suits.  No offense Lands’ End, they are only tired because I’ve lacked the ambition or time to replace them.

In fact, this post is more in praise of Lands’ Ends bathing suits than bashing them (though they could have laid off the flower patterns a little, and be way quicker with delivery), since they seem to be the only company that can make a bathing suit that can sufficiently hold in and flatter a woman in her thirties who has had three kids.

No, this post is about all the other bathing suit makers who seem to forget that there’s a whole population of people like me, looking for a bathing suit that won’t ride up, fall down, or become transparent in the water, all while not making me look like I’m eighty.

I have a bit of a split personality when it comes to bathing suits.  There is my conservative, donned at the pool bathing suit and the more, let it all hang out, worn at the beach, where you’re usually in good company bathing suit. (There’s also a third, lesser known who gives a damn, let’s rock the bikini in Naples bathing suit, but vacation is few and far between and not really what I’m talking about, today).  But, no matter which suit I’m wearing, I still don’t want my butt cheeks hanging out.

The pool, like I said, requires a more conservative suit.  I’m not sure why I feel this way. Maybe, it’s because women can be catty and judgey and no one wants to be the topic of conversation at the next Bunco night (that you’re not invited to).  Or maybe, it’s just because I’m self conscious, who knows. That’s where Lands’ End comes in.  For the past four or five years, I’ve been wearing their bathing suits, happy with the fit, colors, and quality.  Here’s one of this year’s picks, though I got it in a print, a highly unusual move for me.  I think they must have sold out of the one I bought, because I couldn’t find it, or the other tankini, which was the twist top in black, on the website.  I tend to favor solids, but I’m not a huge fan of the bow, which is obscured on the pattern I got.

Here’s the other one.  I got this one in black, to replace my current black Lands End bathing suit, that causes my husband to say, “You know, I can see down your bathing suit,” every time I put it on.  Just for the record, this is only partially true and I have to be at the right angle with my shoulders slightly hunched.

Source: via Lauren on Pinterest

Thanks Lands End.

Of course, just because I am happy with Lands En, does not mean that I wouldn’t love to find something new.  I don’t always like looking like everyone else at the pool or always looking so, momish, and so, every year, I usually go in search of something new. And every year it usually turns about to be a colossal waste of time.

I’m not sure what I used to do before I discovered Lands End, but I do know some of the brands I used to wear no longer work.  Anne Cole, I used to love you, now, I’m not sure if your bottoms are bathing suits or underwear, because they won’t hold in the slightest bulge. Calvin Klein, I guess you’re only for the sexy people and Nautica, what the hell?

One suit I tried on, which I can’t remember the name, upon removal, gave me such a bad charlie horse throughout my whole entire torso and neck I thought I would never stand straight, again.  I’m not exaggerating, I could barely get the tankini top off my body.  I had that moment of panic, you know, when you’re trying to wrestle something (usually a dress) off your body and you wonder if you’re going to have to call someone in to assist you? Why couldn’t they use some of that lycra in their bathing suit bottoms?  And the sizes? All over the place. At least with Lands’ End I’m the same size in every suit I try on regardless of style.

After coming home, defeated, I did a quick internet search for the best brands of bathing suits for sizes 8-10, and you know what came up?  Plus sizes.  When did I graduate to plus sizes?  Whatever.

All I know is that until I find something better, I’ll be sticking with my same old, same old.  Meanwhile, if you come across some good brands send them my way.  I can’t be the only one that doesn’t look like Fergie.

*If my praise of Lands End, seems excessive, trust me, it’s not because they’re paying me, though Lands’ End, if you’re reading, call me. 🙂  I’ve got a better chance of looking like Fergie.

One thought on “The Bathing Suit

  1. Laughing so hard about you trying to get the tankini off. I’ve had that experience several times. I feel like I’m going to have to start paying full price for Lands End to support them because if they go out of business, I’m in trouble.

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